Horatio Gruntfuttock, Uranus Wiper's in-house astrologer, steers your celestial butt through Life's shallows.
Aries: March 21-April 19
You find a Rembrandt in the attic and mount a successful ram-raid on the village jeweller, bagging you a load of fencible Victoriana. Head for Ladbrokes while you’re red hot!
Taurus: April 20-May 20
Your partner isn't telling you the whole story. Check for love bites in hard-to-spot places — below the neckline or under the pier at Brighton. Both if you have the time!
Gemini: May 21-June 20
An older relative will question your judgement. With macho planet, Mars putting the wind in your sails, tell the old git to sling his hook, adding that old never did equal smart.
Cancer: June 21-July 22
There's a 50/50 chance your mother will elope with her probation officer this week. Contact Prudential now as they can insure you against this kind of thing.
Leo: July 23-August 22
The realisation that suicide by slamming your head in a soft closing toilet seat is a non-starter finally hits you when Pluto sneaks behind Saturn for a well-earned rest.
Virgo: August 23-September 22
The discovery, down the back of your settee, of a neighbour thought to have run away with Chipperfield's circus in 1973 brings the police to your door on Monday forenoon.
Libra: September 23-October 22
Slipping on a fishcake in ASDA pitches you arse over ninepence into a freezer cabinet. But with Uranus in Aquarius your brass monkey won’t lose any balls.
Scorpio: October 23-November 21
You crave a romantic relationship that makes you feel whole, but your current spouse isn’t impressed. Don't look to Venus for comfort; she's having a celestial duvet day.
Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
A get-rich-quick scheme comes your way. Think carefully. What are the chances of you buying a Faberge egg out of some bloke's boot on the hard shoulder of the M6?
Capricorn: December 21-January 20
Your window cleaning bill is greater than the cost of the London to Leeds section of the HS2 rail link. Until Neptune slings his hook next Thursday, the mystery will only deepen.
Aquarius: January 21-February 18
Somebody you recently met has an uncanny knowledge of your thoughts—and, it seems, of recent bank transfers to the Cayman Islands. You shouldn’t be so greedy in future.
Pisces: February 19-March 20
The element of surprise is what keeps you going. Just check that your lover has been taking his heart medication before leaping out of the bedroom closet dressed as a Can-Can dancer.