#1 Personal Grooming
Covid-19 lockdown has given us all an attack of the vapours.
The upheaval has our minds whirling faster than fidget spinners. We find ourselves confined to cramped conditions with a raggle-taggle assortment of toddlers, teenagers, house pets, and next door neighbours who only popped in 6 weeks ago for a latte and a bit of a natter. If you are really unlucky, you’ll also have a double-glazing salesman who just happened to be measuring your bay windows when the lockdown started.
Many of our fellow ‘prisoners’ — except for the double glazing salesman — will be loved ones. Now how could being jammed into a two-up-two-down with a higher population density than Wormwood Scrubs, possibly go wrong?
There are many aspects to lockdown, but each, in its own quiet way, has been designed by forces beyond our ken to drive us doolally. In part one of our series, we consider lockdown and personal grooming.
Gone are the days when you or your partner simply made an appointment with Alphonse, chez House of Barnett to get your hair did. The Lord knows when he’ll get his next salon haircut, or she her next hairdo.
Statistics predict that six weeks in, you’re already sporting a Cro-Magnon hairstyle (the wildly unkempt hunter-gatherer look) complete with a beard as luxurious as a pterodactyl’s nest. Stats further predict that a blond afro will have sprouted from your girlfriend’s head as her last hairstyle finally unravels and dies.
You both have hair on your top lip and eyebrows like lavatory brushes. Bilbo Baggins has less hair on his lower limbs than she does since the waxing salon furloughed Maja and Amelia.
Something has to be done. But what?
Are you perhaps contemplating throwing the Armageddon switch here — by opting for the self-administered haircut? We strongly advise against this, but if you are beginning to look like a circus geek and you can’t stand it any longer, here are some dos and don’ts for you to consider.
• Don’t try anything fancy just because the tools are readily available. You’ll have no trouble finding grooming gadgets a-go-go on Amazon, Argos or eBay. Just remember the old saw here: brandishing a set of DIY hair clippers off Ali-Baba, no more makes you Vidal Spitoon than buying a mashie niblick at a car-boot sale makes you Tiger Woods (them’s wise words).
• Cease and desist from any thought of chasing one of those fancy zigzags across the sides of your fade with a 1600 Watt carpenter ‘s router. You’ll only end up looking like you’ve stuck your head in a wood chipper for a bet.
• Don’t even think about using any of the carpentry tools from that chest of knick-knacks in the attic. The damage that can be done to the human skull with a shaving spoke, or a blunt chisel cannot be underestimated.
• In short, don’t even think about a self-administered haircut of any kind; or you’ll end up looking as tonsorially challenged as Sloth from The Goonies.
• Do ask your partner to give you proper grooming. It’s the safest way. I recommend the Friar Tuck. This can be achieved simply by asking your partner to slap a large jelly mould on your head and trim around the circumference with a pair of wallpaper scissors. It's worth noting, however, that although the 14th-century-monastic look might have got Maid Marion to lift her petticoats above her ankles in the Forest of Nottingham in 1377; sporting one at your first post-lockdown party is unlikely to help you achieve babe magnet status in the short term.
Good luck out there everyone!