Horatio Gruntfuttock, Uranus Wiper's in-house astrologer, steers your celestial butt through life's shallows.
Aries: March 21-April 19
Venus is sesquiquadrate to Uranus. Where possible, walk on the other side of the street and beware of clapped-out Blackpool donkeys pleading for adoption — it's a scam.
Taurus: April 20-May 20
Taureans can get a bit OCD. Are you folding toilet tissue into origami cranes? If so, listen to Val Doonican’s Paddy McGinty's Goat until you lose the will to live. That’ll fix it.
Gemini: May 21-June 20
Sitters like to take a weight off — in more ways than one. With Jupiter — that old celestial Fatso —mooching through your birth sign this week, best chillax until he's gone.
Cancer: June 21-July 22
Standers have no time to sit down to poo. Deals need swinging. Egged on by Pluto (the planet, not the cartoon dog), they need to go on the go. So, go.
Leo: July 23-August 22
All your gambling debts will be written off by Sunday — just joking! The five grand you borrowed from the Triads at 2,000% APR falls due tomorrow. Best hide!
Virgo: August 23-September 22
Uncle Barney outstays his welcome (3 years now and counting). Slip retirement home ads onto his breakfast trays. If he resists, move him to the potting shed while the sun’s in Leo.
Libra: September 23-October 22
Look forward to a possible promotion. Or get caught up in a whirl of fire and re-hire. Even the planets don't have a Scooby-Doo this week!
Scorpio: October 23-November 21
A misunderstanding between you and a neighbour over a borrowed lawnmower or an egg whisk boils over when your neighbour bulldozes your gazebo through your hedge onto the M3.
Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
During a drunken house party, your mother and father will reveal that they have been swingers since (possibly ‘because of’ the Blitz. Don't panic. Keep calm and carry on.
Capricorn: December 21-January 20
A needy friend will again tap you for a trouser-load of cash. With Saturn upside down until Mercury rushes to his aid on pancake Tuesday, seize the day—tell your chum to do one.
Aquarius: January 21-February 18
Someone somewhere will do something you might not like. Should you slap them around the face with a wet turbot? Forgive them perhaps? Defer a decision until after tea on Thursday
Pisces: February 19-March 20
Your confidence takes a wallop midweek when the soccer team you play for goes down 15-0 to a Primary four select. Oh well, there's always ping pong.