Hi folks,
I hope you are all keeping well.
This week I’m your war correspondent! Exciting, eh? There is a war going on, in case you didn’t notice, inside us. It’s a millions-of-years-old conflict between clashing clans of bacteria. And it’s all taking place in our guts.
Some bacteria are on our side (Hooray for them!) They help combat the harmful bacteria (Boo to these suckers!) that cause tummy upsets and other stuff we’d rather not have — some of which we’d rather not think about at all actually; thank you very much! Neither side has been declared outright winner since the first time Neanderthal man walked upright. This is a conflict that isn’t going to see an armistice anytime soon.
Good bacteria are called probiotics. Probiotics are living microorganisms that boost health. Probiotic foods include yoghurt, kefir and tempeh.
Eating foods rich in probiotics helps the good guys wage war on the bad guys, such as one of the most common bacteria, lactobacillus. Eating foods that get the good bacteria sitting up and licking their lips keep our guts healthier than an army PE instructor.
Boffins trained to count such things (though God knows how) estimate the number of bacteria encamped in our innards at between 40 and 300 trillion. When you encounter such enormous numbers, you realise how stuffed our guts already are. Is it any wonder that we sometimes cannot possibly eat another portion of pudding at the end of a meal?
Many bacteria reside in your gut, and the majority are as harmless as a feather duster. Some do their best to help out by fighting the small number of delinquent bacteria that cause disease. If these bacteria were human, they’d hang around chip shops of an evening, wearing leather jackets, sporting Megadeath t-shirts and intimidating the locals.
Having the right gut bacteria confers health benefits, including weight reduction, improved digestion and enhanced immune function. But given you can’t interview these bacteria individually, how can we check for allegiance. Are they for? Or agin us? We can’t tell.
Some Examples Of Probiotic Food
At least we know that a couple of naturally occurring foods actively promote gut health. These are the well-known pickled cabbage dish from Germany known as sauerkraut and the lesser-known Korean dish called Kimchi, which is made with various seasonings, including spring onions, garlic, and ginger.
Like your uncle Freddy after six pints of Old Speckled Hen, sauerkraut and Kimchi look decidedly unpleasant, but every batch is crammed with goodness from the lid to the foot of the jar. It is basically fermented cabbage. Those of us hell-bent on pickling cabbages — perhaps as a hobby or as an element of some mental derangement — are often unaware that the pickling process gives rise to a complex chemical brew, most notably containing lactic acid. Lactic acid is kryptonite to harmful bacteria, which turn tail and head screaming back to their trenches (and sometimes their mothers at the merest whiff of it. A small batch of sauerkraut can be rustled up in three days, though longer fermentation only enhances the flavours.
You can buy a kilogram bucket of Kimchi for £5 over many specialist food shop counters. It’s a staple food in Korea — a traditional side dish of salted and fermented vegetables, commonly cabbage and Korean radish, made with seasonings such as spring onions, garlic and ginger.
Be kind to your good bacteria; they are valuable allies.
Inverted Rhino, Anyone?
If that story managed to turn your guts upside down, try this one — it’s about turning rhinos upside down for ten minutes. The Daily Mirror reported a story this week about the publication of strange science news stories by the science humour magazine, Annals of Improbable Research. Their so-called Ig Nobel Prizes are awards given for science stories that ‘first make you laugh before making you think.’
Boffins have never been short of crazy topics for research. The latest off-beat offering involves transporting rhinos suspended upside down beneath helicopters. You might find little to smile about in turning a two and a half tonne armoured beast upside down and hoisting it into the sky, mainly if the beast doesn’t find it funny either, especially if you are the one that has to release it when it comes down to Earth. But we all have different senses of humour. I mean, some people need to be attended by paramedics having laughed themselves inside out watching a Charlie Chaplin silent movie, which leaves many others glassy-eyed in boredom.
Nature, red in tooth and claw!
Nor is the rhinoceros the only large animal likely to do you harm unless treated with respect.
As reported by the people who compile the Darwin awards, a Malaysian man named Zaim spotted a reticulated python enjoying an afternoon snooze on a grass verge and reckoned it might be worth a bob or two. He nipped home and returned shortly with gloves and a sickle, overcame the beast and cycled back, holding the creature’s head high for all to see. Unfortunately for Zaim, the snake, only temporarily stunned, took the huff at such shabby treatment by a mere human and decided to coil itself around Zaim’s windpipe and upper torso, cutting off the oxygen supply to his brain. Early indications that the snake was winning included Zaim’s face turning as purple as a Victoria plum. This particular hue was accompanied by the reduction in Zaim’s lung capacity to that of an asthmatic budgerigar.
So, from rhino to gut bacteria to snoozing reptiles, remember always to treat other life forms — some of whom have been mooching around this planet for millions of years longer than us — with respect. Otherwise, they may view us as lunch.
Greatest wishes from the smallest room
George
Heedrum Hodrum